So many people around us are having kids. Lots of them. Since we started this journey, there have been literally dozens of kids born to friends, family members, coworkers, and acquaintances.
And I'm happy for most of them. A few of them, not so much, and I'm a little ashamed it takes me to a place where I compare Ann and me to them as potential parents, and judge myself a superior candidate.
Which makes it all the more disheartening that we haven't been selected yet.
I'm so tired of hearing that the one we get will be the one that God wants us to have and all of that sort of stuff. I'm not saying I don't believe it; I'm saying that it's not all that comforting.
I've half-joked with some friends that I feel like the last kid on the playground getting picked for kickball... but really, it sometimes feels worse than that. Because in this playground, other kids keep showing up and getting picked before me.
I thought about not writing this post, because I want people who read this to know that I'm fighting the good fight and remaining patient and optimistic and all that. But the truth is that there are days where there's a hole in my heart, where I want to ask God why years of praying to be somebody's Daddy has resulted in nothing.
You all know that poem about a dream deferred? And at the end it asks, "...or does it explode?"
When we get this kid, he or she is going to be directly in the blast zone of all this ready-to-pop parental love we have. This kid is going to be drenched in love.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I hear you. I could have written this almost verbatim when we were trying before Joseph. Even now it seems everywhere I look people are pregnant or having babies. I thought I had grieved for that and was done but grief is never fully gone I don't think. If I could smack all the people who told me "why don't you just adopt" as if adopting is the easier way to do things I would smack 'em hard. ;) (generally I am non-violent)
ReplyDeleteI think some days we just have to give ourselves permission to feel what we feel, work through it and come out stronger and rejuvinated on the other side. Platitudes don't help those days. So, Dave and Ann, take your days when you need to. Feel what you feel and don't apologize for it because we are human and we are waiting for something that most people don't have to wait for. I pray for you daily,
Karen
Two different things come to mind:
ReplyDelete1. You don't have to have a positive attitude all the time. It's okay to have bad feelings about the situation. And if you're feeling lousy, it's okay to say so. Your friends understand that. At least, this friend understands that.
2. I think about you and Ann, and hope for your child to arrive into your lives, every single day. I am always thinking about you guys. I want this, SO BAD, for you. I can not walk in your shoes, and I don't mean to imply that I SO TOTALLY GET IT. But I am still here, still thinking about you, still hoping for you.