It's been three months since we updated, and nothing has changed.
We are still just waiting.
And I am growing weary of this process. No one tells you at any of the meetings or classes how heartrending this process will be. And, our agency is offering little support in this regard. We were told to subscribe to an adoption focused magazine so that we could read some articles that should help us deal with the waiting. That was less than helpful. Also, though I know the sentiments are well intentioned, I do not want to be told again that "the waiting will all be worth it" or "it will happen in God's time". Because you know what? At this point, all I know is that waiting equals pain and sorrow, and no one knows what "God's time" is, and I need something more concrete than that. I need an answer. I need hope. I need something to hang onto. I need to be able to go upstairs in my own home and not cry over the empty unused room that is waiting for this child.
In two weeks, we will have been "on the shelf" for a year. What a horrid anniversary to celebrate. A year of nothingness.
In a few months, it will be two years since we started this whole process. I feel like we've gone nowhere.
I warned you. This was gonna be ugly. But this is me right now, and I am tired to smiling and saying that we are "just waiting" when I am falling apart. I am tired of putting up a good front, so here it is - all of my ugliness on display.
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I don't think the ugliness is yours at all, Ann. It's just the horrid process. Hugs to you both. Hang in there.
ReplyDeletei'm sorry you are going through this. i agree that a year seems like a long time to not make any progress. there's always the impression that there are so many children that need to be adopted, but if that's the case why do they make it overly difficult for good people to adopt?
ReplyDeletethinking of you both.
I'm so sorry! That has got to be really rough. I can't imagine. In some ways, I would think what you're going through is harder emotionally than giving birth, because at least with that, they have a DATE. :(
ReplyDelete*hugs*
Long winded response... my apologies.
ReplyDeletePerhaps rather than mourning a year of "nothingness" you can rejoice in a year of growth, learning, and preparations. I know that for us mere mortals here on Earth, God's timing isn't always... well, hmm, it kinda sucks more often than not. (Sorry God, but you already know how I feel and I'm trying to help a friend here.)
I know you're sad, I can feel the stress and uneasiness coming from you and I'm so very sorry you and David are having to go such a journey at such a slow and unknowing pace. I will not try and tell you that it will get better or that God has His timing, but may I suggest that after you have yourself a good cry (which I firmly believe in and support, honest) that you try to look at this last year or two as a learning process and a process of preparation. Your hearts are being prepared for something so magical, so amazing, so incredible...
Gosh, that kind of sounds like me telling you it's all in God's timing, just in a roundabout way. Sorry about that.
I'm not sure where you were ugly in that journal update but I certainly did not see or read about any ugliness. You're upset, you're frustrated, you're more than ready for a baby to greet you in that waiting room... There is absolutely nothing ugly about those feelings.
Be emotional, be expressive, just do not tuck those feelings away. I'll continue to keep you and David and your future child on my prayer list.
(I swear I wasn't trying to cheer you up... just trying to help flip the coin for you.) *hugs*
It doesn't seem ugly to me. It seems like reality. I would be the same way if I had to wait so long for my baby. It must be torture not knowing when the day will come. I know you and Dave will be totally awesome parents and it really sucks knowing that there are children out there who need you but you all have to wait. I hope something shakes out very soon.
ReplyDeleteHaving not gone through this process, or anything like it, I can not imagine where I would be emotionally. And I don't have the right words to try and support you. Just know that we are rooting for you, and that you are in our prayers.
ReplyDelete(Oh the celebrating we will do when you get your little one....)
Sinwi
Peace to you and Dave. My thoughts are with you both.
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking about what to say. First, I don't think there's anything ugly (or off-putting, if that is your concern) about what you said. I can see that you are hurting. You are my friend, and I grieve to see you hurting. I don't know, and I can't know, exactly what it's like to be in your shoes. But I can see that you are hurting, and I wish I could help.
ReplyDeleteAnd on my own scale, which is of course smaller than yours, I am waiting and hoping and eager for this child to come home to you. I am frustrated by the process. I want it to happen NOW. I have cried over this. And I think, if I feel that way, I can not even imagine what you and Dave are going through.
I am here. I am listening. I want to hear your voice, telling about what you're going through. I care. I hope with you, and pray for you, and I am frustrated and angry alongside you. I guess that's what I want to say most. I know this is your experience, and I don't mean to be presumptuous or step on your toes, but I am beside you as your friend, listening, and on your side.
Love is not ugly. Being so full of love you want to share it with another person is not ugly.
ReplyDeleteWaiting and sighing and gritting your teeth when others have full houses, full arms, full cradles, giving them your happiest best wishes because you really do mean it you just want so much to have your own same happiness is not ugly.
It's terribly, awfully frustrating. And heartbreaking.
And we'll listen, gladly, as long as you want to talk.
I'm sorry this is turning out to be such a long process for you both. I think it's okay to be sad and angry and just plain tired of it all.
ReplyDeleteIt might just sound like more "in God's time" crap, but I have noticed in my life that every time I've gotten upset or sad over the way things are turning out, I find out in just a little more time that things happened just the way they were supposed to.
Just know that it's okay to feel what you feel, I mean you're only HUMAN and those are normal human emotions. We're here for support, or just to give hugs. HUGS!
Ann and Dave - love you both!
ReplyDelete